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The Diary of Carl Schmidt (Air Lord)

Dear Diary,

First of all, let it be known that I !!!!!!HATE!!!!!!! Captain Splendour! He's the biggest pile of troll droppings the world has ever known. And yes, he deserves that harsh an epithet -- let me explain.

I was all set to save a school bus full of kids that was poised perilously on the edge of a collapsing bridge this morning. I was just working up a wind big to push the bus to safety -- up in the clouds, gathering the air masses, nobody knew I was there, but HE would have known with his Splendour Sight! I was about to send the wind down to rescue the children, when that big stupid twinkle light comes flying in, and with a couple of well-aimed Splendour Beams, pushes the bus into the middle of the bridge, and then straight back to solid ground and safety. Sure, he saved the kids and all, but that was MY rescue! I got there first, and he MUST HAVE known it. But does he wait to see if I need help? NOOOOO!!!!!! He just swoops in to be the big hero, and he gets his shining mug all over the news!

By the bones of giants, I need the PR more than he does! I've got that darn editor of the Hoboken Herald trying to blame me for the freak windstorm there last month, and the other day Net.Grrl informs me of a half dozen newsgroups devoted to me having a major role in the Comet Killer conspiracy. I wasn't even in this dimension during that time period, for crying out loud!

Meanwhile, Mr. Splendour-pants got interviewed by Larry King two weeks ago, and there's talk of him hosting next year's People's Choice Awards. Like he needs any more good press. And the worst part was that this afternoon, I went to see Andrea at the Starbucks where she works (in my secret identity, Carl Schmidt), and all she could talk about was how great Captain Splendour was! I mean, I know we're just friends, but I was going to ask her to a movie next week (I'm sure she'd say yes this time), but now I'm not so sure! Why would I want to go out with a girl who mentions that guy twice during her fifteen minute break? Of course, she is pretty cute, in a mousy kind of way -- oh, maybe I'll forgive her and ask her out anyway. Of course, what I should have done, and what I'll do next time she mentions Splendour, is try to turn the conversation to me (well, to Air Lord, really). I'll point out what a nice guy Air Lord is, and how he (I mean I) stopped that bank robbery last week (even if a lot of the stolen money did get blown into the river). Maybe I can even find out if she knows about the Comet Killer thing (although I don't want to plant any ideas in her head).

Yeah, maybe on Friday, when she's on at Starbucks again, I'll talk to her about it then. Well, anyway, I have to go now. I'm having dinner at Mom's tonight: Bratwurst, my favourite. I sure hope nothing happens in the area that I have to go deal with as Air Lord. If I "run to the store" for an hour again, Mom will start charging me double for dinner.

Yours truly,

Carl Schmidt (Air Lord)

* * *

Dear Diary,

Today was better. I was patrolling during my lunch break, and I caught a woman's budgie that escaped out of her apartment and brought it back to her safely (albeit with feathers a bit ruffled). She insisted on giving be some of her home-made brownies. They were pretty good, but I only got to eat one. I was flying over downtown, about to reach into the ZipLoc bag for another, when I saw a couple of homeless teenagers pan-handling, so I dropped down in a big gust of wind (I love that effect), and gave the rest of the brownies to them. It also gave me a chance to talk to them about going back to school and finding a goal for yourself, but I'm not sure they were listening -- they just kept giggling and stuffing the brownies into their mouths. I guess they were hungry, one of them said something about "munchies", but I couldn't make out the rest because her mouth was full.

My job at the supermarket is going well. I think Mr. Clansford, the manager, has me pegged for a promotion. He must see what a good job I'm doing bagging groceries at the check-out. I'm faster than anyone else when it comes to bagging. What he doesn't know is that I use my air powers to puff the bags open, so I don't waste time fiddling with opening a plastic bag whose sides want to stick together. Maybe it's not right to use my powers for personal gain, but that's not really what I'm doing anyway -- I'm just trying to help people by not making them wait in line so long at the check-out. I mean, everyone hates waiting in line, so I'm keeping people healthy by reducing their stress a little, right?

Anyway, I'm just taking a few minutes after work to write things down and centre myself before I take to the skies on patrol. A superhero's work is never done, you know. Besides, I might rescue a pretty lady from a burning building or something, and then she'll kiss me as I'm flying her to safety.

Yours truly,

Carl Schmidt (Air Lord)

* * *

Dear Diary,

I've been working out the best way to ask Andrea to a movie when I see her on Friday. I'm not sure if I should use the pity approach, or try to be really charming and bring her a rose, or just kind of trick her into saying yes. I was on ICQ last night after patrol, chatting with Net.Grrl, and I tried asking for her advice, but she was no help.

When I first brought up the subject, she sent a whole bunch of frowny faces at me, but then changed them to smiley faces, and then the goofy one that looks like this:

8^P

I think that one's pretty cool, 'cause it's kind of 3-D, and the tongue is sticking out. Anyway, first she said I should just tell her she's coming to a movie with me, like a drill sergeant barking a command. Then she said that no, it would be better to spill hot coffee on myself and go with the pity approach. I thought, what a great idea! I never thought of spilling coffee on myself -- then she'd really pity me, instead of just sort of pity like if I just acted all sad and lonely. But then she said that was dumb too, and said I should try whatever came to mind when I walked in. A lot of help that was.

I called Mom during my lunch break, and told her about what Net.Grrl said. Mom said that maybe I was missing something right in front of nose. I joked and asked her how she could see that through the telephone, but I don't think she got it. Mom's funny that way -- what do you expect from a woman named Clarisse? In any case, I think she was suggesting that Net.Grrl likes me, and that I should go for her instead of Andrea.

Except, Mom doesn't know that Net.Grrl only knows me as Air Lord, and Andrea only knows me as Carl, probably because Mom doesn't know about Air Lord either. She also doesn't know anything about Net.Grrl, but I do, which is why I say NO WAY!!!!!!! Net.Grrl creeps me out -- like a poltergeist. She leaves her body behind and projects her consciousness into computers (or any electronic components for that matter), which is just too weird for me. Besides, I don't even know what she really looks like, only what she's shown me on my computer screen. But, Andrea, I KNOW what she looks like, and I think she's pretty.

Then of course, Mom finishes off the conversation with "Just be yourself!" Yeah Mom, but which self? Carl or Air Lord? Man, if I knew that Andrea thought that Air Lord was cool, I might just let her in on my little secret....

Anyway, it's way too late to stay up any longer thinking about this stuff. I've got to be up at five for work tomorrow (today! -- it's after midnight!), so I better go to bed. Hopefully, I won't have any weird dreams.

Yours truly,

Carl Schmidt (Air Lord)

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm pretty tired tonight. Work was really busy today. We had a one-day sale on individual-sized yoghurts, and so people were buying them by the dozens, which meant a lot of bagging for me, plus carrying them out to the parking lot for the old ladies. That was the longest seven hours I think I've worked. (That is, with the possible exception of the one-day tuna sale we had last year. That was nuts!)

Anyway, I'm too tired to write much more, but I promised myself I'd write in my diary every day, so, well, here I am writing. Not much to write about though, since patrolling this afternoon led to nothing more than rescuing kittens from trees and things like that. Oh, I did save a workman from plunging to his likely death (or at the very least some broken bones) from some scaffolding. He was up about eight stories doing restoration work on a church tower, and the board he stepped on was wobbly. I saw him flailing his arms trying to catch his balance, but he looked like he was going to fall through the tarp on the outside of the scaffolding. I sent a big burst of wind at the tarp from the other side, and it pushed him against the wall of the tower, where he could grab a window ledge and regain his balance. I didn't see the point of going down and saying, "There your go, I saved you!" or anything like that. He probably wouldn't have believed me anyway, since he seemed to have been saved by a gust of wind.

Well, like I said, I'm really tired, so good-night.

Yours truly,

Carl Schmidt (Air Lord)

P.S. I just remembered that I'm going to see Andrea tomorrow, and maybe ask her out! And, it's my day off, so I'll have lots of time to prepare! As Homer would say, "Whoo-hoo!"

* * *

Dear Diary,

What a day, what a day, what a day! So much to tell, and not much time to tell it. I'm meeting Andrea to go bowling in an hour and a half (yep, that's right: Andrea + bowling + me!), but I wanted to write down a little about today's events first.

I got to Starbucks a few minutes early, so Andrea wasn't able to take her break yet -- I guess I was a little bit nervous, since usually I'm there right on time. I ordered a steamed milk with a shot of hazelnut syrup, and tried to engage her in conversation as she got my drink ready. It was kind of busy in there right then, though, so I shut up and took my seat after she shot me a look.

I sat down at a table near the big picture window at the front of the shop (the last one with a view). My milk was still too hot to drink, so I was just setting it down to let it cool, when I (and everyone else in the shop) heard tires screeching out on the street. I look up from my cup to see, guess who?! Captain Splendour! Only this time he's skidding along the pavement on his back, shooting Splendour Beams from his hands every which way. I was thinking maybe his powers had gone on the fritz, he was acting so weird.

So, one of his seemingly random shots hits a mailbox in front of the cafe, and it gets knocked straight through the Starbucks logo in the middle of the plate glass window. I must've been thinking extra fast, because I immediately blew all of the big shards of glass up into the ceiling, keeping the other customers (and myself) safe. At the same time, I realized that the mailbox was going to crash right into Andrea at the barrista station, so I dove over counter (with the help of my air powers for extra speed and distance) and pushed Andrea out of harms way, just as the mailbox smashed through the counter top and into the cappuccino maker she'd been using. For a brief instant as we lay there on the floor with pieces of debris falling on us, she looked me in the eyes with the strangest combination of emotions: scared, and surprised, but also like "My hero!" Then I got up, and she got up wiping cocoa powder off her face. When she saw the mailbox, and what was left of the cappuccino maker, she just went kind of limp and looked stunned.

I looked over my shoulder at the street, and realized Splendour needed my help, so I left all the confusion and ducked around the corner into the alley next door. Then, I stashed my normal clothes inside a pile of flattened cardboard boxes, pulled my mask on over my head, and flew up over the rooftops back to where Captain Splendour was still writhing on the ground. (Good thing I always wear my costume under my clothes!)

As I came down from the top of the building, I realized that Splendour was being attacked by a thick swarm of bees, and he was trying to shoot them off. There was also this guy in a bee suit that I've never seen before, trying to punch him in the head. He wasn't doing a very good job though, because he was also trying to avoid the Splendour Beams that were wreaking havoc with the landscape. He didn't seem like much of a fighter either.

Then, just as I landed in my heroic pose, I saw a TV news crew pull up in a van. The cameraman was already rolling as he hopped out of the van, just in time to catch me saying, "I'll help you, Captain Splendour!" in my best superhero voice. Talk about timing! I couldn't have paid for better press!

Well, anyway, Splendour definitely needed my help, so I sent a big blast of wind right at him to blow the bees off him, and then whipped up a whirlwind to capture them up in the air. It worked really well, except Splendour was so surprised, he forgot about the guy in the bee suit when he turned to look at me (with his beautiful hair all messed up by the wind -- heehee!), so the bee guy got a good shot on him, right under the side of his jaw. Down went Splendour, looking like he was seeing birdies around his head now instead of bees. The bee guy recovered from his surprise at having hit him so hard, and turned to mug for the camera, yelling, "The Bee Master is unstoppable!"

Right, well, it was pretty clear to me who the good guys were and who was the bad guy, so I flew at Bee Master, who took off into the sky. Well, he wasn't that strong a flier, so I made a grand sweeping motion with my arm (for the camera) and made the wind blow him right into the whirlwind with the bees. I held him there for a few seconds as he spun around, and dropped him gently to the ground at the newswoman's feet, where he passed out. The bees, who I guessed were mostly innocent in all of this, I sent up into the clouds over Riverside Park -- I figured they needed to cool off a little, out of harm's way.

I came back down beside Captain Splendour, and helped him to his feet. I let him know discreetly that news crew didn't show up until after he'd stopped damaging the area buildings and stuff with his frantic Beam blasts as I steadied him. He nodded a little and said thanks, but he still seemed too out of it to focus on everything else around him, so I said, "Just smile and wave to the camera." Which he did, of course.

After a moment, he seemed to have regained his focus. He started to make a big deal about thanking me for my assistance, but I put on a big smile and interrupted him with, "Happy to help a fellow do-gooder, Captain Splendour!" in a voice loud enough to be heard easily over the approaching police sirens. Then I flew off in a gust of wind, up over the rooftops again.

I came down back in the alley and retrieved my clothes, then went back to the Starbucks as Carl Schmidt. I raced in pretending to be out of breath, then found myself really out of breath as Andrea threw her arms around me with a cry of, "Oh thank you Carl! You saved my life!" I didn't really know what to say, so I stuttered out something about running to get help and waving down Air Lord. Then she started going on about how great Air Lord was, and I couldn't stop blushing! Andrea noticed and said we should sit down, I was all red in the face from running. That's when I asked her to go bowling, and she suggested tonight, and I said that would be great, and then --

Ooops!!! I've only got ten minutes to get ready! Tempus fugit, and all that.

Yours truly,

Carl Schmidt (Air Lord)

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